Naked Women, What They Do
Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey
3/11/93

THINGS NAKED WOMEN ARE SHOWN DOING

• Lying around on beds
• Lying around on beaches
• Lying around on desert sand
• Lying around on patio furniture
• Lying around on rubber rafts
• Lying around in inner tubes in water
• Sitting on rocks beneath waterfalls
• Swimming
• Diving
• Jet-skiing
• Sitting in hot tubs and jacuzzis
• Applying tanning products
• Standing near wind machines
• Standing near rain machines
• Leaning against brick walls
• Leaning against old jukeboxes
• Lighting candles
• Standing, sitting and lying down in blinding white light
• Running across open fields
• Climbing mountains
• Cross-country skiing
• Snowmobiling
• Walking through the woods
• Lounging in haystacks in old barns
• Holding up birds, cats, and small dogs
• Riding horses
• Riding mechanical bulls
• Riding in the back seats of limos
• Straddling sawhorses
• Throwing bucketfuls of water at other naked women
• Tossing wet spaghetti at other naked women
• Embracing fully-dressed men
• Fucking men (or pretending to)
• Fucking women (or pretending to)
• Touching themselves
• Using vibrators
• Giving and receiving massages
• Groping mannakins and statues
• Standing in Paris parks painted as statues
• Wrestling with other naked women
• Performing light aerobic workouts
• Weight training
• Riding exercise bikes
• Playing volleyball
• Climbing rocks
• Ice skating
• Showering
• Bathing
• Trying on clothes
• Eating fresh fruit
• Drinking champagne
• Aping the poses of famous nude paintings and statues
• Staring haughtily/bored/blankedly at the camera
• Saying unprofound things
• Stripping on stage
• Table dancing
• Modern dancing (rock, R&B, disco, country)
• Ballet dancing
• Ethnic ritual dancing
• Performing rhythmic gymnastics
• Dancing, standing, and chanting during performance art pieces
• Pretending to play guitar
• Pretending to play flute
• Pretending to play piano
• Pretending to play violin
• Flying small airplanes
• Hang gliding
• Riding on the backs of motorcycles
• Sitting on parked motorcycles
• Sitting in the cabs of bulldozers and backhoes
• Standing on rising forklifts
• Washing cars
• Lying on top of cars
• Fixing cars
• Playing pool
• Running away from would-be molesters and jewel theives
• Riding in powerboats
• Sailboarding
• Surfing
• Swimming with dolphins
• Riding on the backs of killer whales
• Bicycling
• Writing letters
• Typing
• Posing for paintings
• Painting walls
• Painting pictures
• Painting themselves
• Wandering through gothic mansions
• Meditating
• Performing hatha yoga stretches
• Reading newspapers
• Pumping gasoline
• Standing on step ladders and lifeguard towers
• Rollerskating
• Posing inside kinetic sculptures
• Lying in concrete ditches
• Leaning against cyclone fences
• Picking flowers

THINGS I’D LIKE TO SEE NAKED WOMEN DOING

• Operating computer spreadsheet programs
• Cooking
• Kneading bread dough
• Eating cheeseburgers
• Presiding over corporate board meetings
• Performing standup comedy
• Squeezing oranges
• Drinking Ultra Slim-Fast
• Drinking beer
• Really playing musical instruments, especially tuba
• Singing the National Anthem
• Hauling furniture
• Printing
• Performing light assembly work
• Waiting in line at theaters
• Dining in fine restaurants
• Attending church
• Preaching
• Shopping
• Studying in the public library
• Directing and photographing movies
• Ballroom dancing
• Building houses
• Discussing deep philosophical issues
• Arguing politics in coffeehouses
• Running the government

THINGS NAKED WOMEN SHOULDN’T DO

• Box
• Drive cars
  (at least wear shoes; you could break your foot making a sudden stop)
• Work near hazardous chemicals
• Work in sawmills
• Weld
• Cut glass (at least wear safety goggles)
• Armed combat
• Play ice hockey
• Play tackle football
• Stay outside very long in cold weather
• Put out house fires