God As I Understand Him
Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey
12/10/89

GOD IS:

• Lonely
• Wet and Wild
• Sorry to have made mosquitos, but too proud to say so
• Not one to tell good cholesterol from bad cholesterol
• Uncomfortable with being called “he” until more human languages have a personal neuter pronoun
• About to lose the mineral deposits on Pluto in a bet
• A much better dancer than you might think
• Confused by all the furor over nude beaches, since “he” can always see everything anyway
• About to perfect a truly superlative cheesecake recipe
• Still buying vinyl records
• Intense, really intense, but only when necessary
• Not very excited about the new millenium
• Capable of finishing a Tootsie Pop without biting
• Capable of sex, but usually occupied with greater tasks
• Showing Einstein’s scientific errors to him, only to get counter-arguments back
• Still unwilling to take sides in Northern Ireland
• Wondering how they get the creme filling in a Ho-Ho
• Still hoping Garbo will make another picture
• Bored
• Unwilling to tell the total value of pi, even to friends
• Trying to recall a way to have made the Earth without putting any uranium in it
• Disappointed in what the Beatles did after “Revolver”
• Fully aware of the contradictions in most religions, but that’s just how these things go
• A “Honeymooners” fan, especially of the adoption episode
• Refereeing a wrestling match between Zeus and Apollo
• Able to leap in seconds across the Gemini constellation (which, from beneath, looks more like THREE people)
• Just THIS tall in “his” most compressed form
• Available in all styles and colors
• Collecting every Basie record ever made
• Commissioning a Shakespeare play about the Marcoses
• The last romantic
• A true night person
• Still mourning the destruction of the library of Alexandria
• Not at all responsible for George Michael
• Only slightly responsible for Zsa Zsa Gabor
• As vast and beautiful as America itself
• Trying to show humans the vital medicines that can be made from horse pancreatic fluid
• In stereo where available
• Free to be you and me
• Unconstrained by the restrictions of time, space, or jobs
• Done for now with the empty thrill of creating life
• Real gone
• Dismayed at Barbara Cartland’s errors on human nature
• Aware of ten women who could have been pretty good U.S. presidents, in the 19th century alone
• So tedious when talking about the structure of flaxseed
• Marrying Confucius to a late Caracas hotel barmaid
• Fully cognizant of your prayers for world peace, but asking your patience until the right configuration of societies can be reached
• Not ready for prime time
• Very easy to shop for
• Looking very relaxed
• Terminally eternal
• Able to see the past, present and future simultaneously, hence forbidden membership on the Stock Exchange
• Largely non-malignant
• Obsequious to Aphrodite
• Fast, compact and virtually noiseless
• Totally naked without a dinner jacket
• Not at all sorry about crabgrass; it serves a vital function in nature, if humans could only learn to appreciate it
• Fabulously freaky
• A Jet all the way
• Gnarly
• Just a bit curious about how an evil thought might feel
• About to live in the form of a west African ranch worker
• An untranslatable pun
• Quality, performance and dependability at a low price
• On time, and under budget
• Fairly sure “he” exists, but not too sure about you
• Simply stunning in pink chiffon
• Definitely NOT Elvis, and certainly not Eric Clapton
• Faster and safer than a microwave
• Planning to reincarnate Cantinflas in Hungary
• Aware of many other planets with stupid TV, too
• Resistant to heat, rain, oil, salt water, most chemicals
• Ready to take your order on our toll-free lines 24 hours
• Just impossible to talk to about politics or religion
• User-definable
• Ready to love you the way you want to be loved
• The former baritone in one of the fake Ink Spots groups
• Designed for the modern business user
• Colossal, stupendous, and even mediocre
• Wondering just how to create a truly unisex mammal
• Out of context
• Never undersold
• Pure chewing satisfaction
• An effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care
• Realizing the final result of centuries of intense genetic research: A toilet-trained dog
• Disgusted with all the communications satellites obstructing “his” view of the South Pacific islands
• Mass rad
• In love with Rita Hayworth and always will be
• Quiet, almost too quiet
• Ready to strike at a moment’s notice
• In touch with “his” feelings
• Fresh, hot and GOOD
• Here today, tomorrow, next week
• Tough without needing to prove it
• Pro-social, with an original sound and look
• An everyday part of life like sex, weather, and stale bread
• A cheery, colorful addition to every home
• Your gold, your precious silver, your power tools
• On the line with us now from our Washington studio
• Really very